Weigh IN

A few days ago my job announced that we would be having a physical, they would be checking out BMI which can not go over 40% well i checked mine and i am at 48.5 % so yeah i knew i was in trouble and i knew i have to do something if i want to keep my job...You know before now i have always been so embarresed to tell anyone my weight but i was just sitting here thinking you know it is a part of me so no need to hide it I weigh in at 268-YES i know heavy! So today I started the Atkins Diet-I will try to blog every once in a while to update you guys on how i am doing! Today wasnt so bad-I do have a major headache but that comes with no carb eating so i will dill with it...I still dont feel the motivation i need to feel but i will once i see some changes...I will try to stick to this for a month at the least-and i am trying to stay positive-I will be working out daily! Today for an afternoon snack I ate a pc of ham and eggs well for some reason i felt so guilty for eating the ham i felt i should have only ate the eggs...i can eat the ham its allowed i just felt like it was too much for a snack so i have to make sure to prevent that next time...I want to be honest on here and really write about how i feel...I am lookign forward to this weight loss I really am...My prayers are for MOTIVATION i just dont seem to have it right now, I always feel so tired! Well i will keep updating when i get a chance! Love you dolls! XOXOXO

Lost Thoughts..

They don’t know the painful nights and days I am experiencing…Tortured by my own thoughts daily…I feel I am in such misery…I don’t want to feel this pain anymore…I let myself go…I feel in love with someone I should have never feel for…I knew better, but I still chose to love him…Till this day I question why it is he walked into my life, and that answer I may never get…Is it for me to know? Will I ever love like this again? Or will I build a wall? He loved me as much as he could and that I will never doubt…My memories with him will always be treasured, they will have to be hidden somewhere deep in my heart in order for me to go on for now…I look forward to the day, years from now where I can pull them out and smile at all our great times together…I am not sure what I am writing, I just felt at this moment that I needed to release all of these feelings, thoughts, emotions…

Down side

Current mood-down, sad, confused
song for today-H.A.T.E.U.

So it really has been so long since I have blogged. I blame it on my job for blocking the site...I actually miss bloggin, it was a way for me to freely express myself...So a lot has happened since my last blog...I just got back from vacation about a week ago...I went home and had sooo much fun, I did have a little bit of down time so I had my moments but for the most part I tried to stay happy and positive...My family is truly amazing so are my great special friends which I do consider family...
So my 2 year relationship has come to an end, hence me feeling down. I know it was a forbidden dill and I knew it wouldnt last forever, but I didnt want it to end the way it did...There has only been one other time when I was truly heart broken and I think this may be worse...the pain is so intense...I miss him and EVERYTHING reminds me of him, he was such an amazing man but I guess he knew it was time to end...I wanted to forever be his friend but I cant at this point I am too hurt and when I do see him I just want him to hold me to love me to want me...So I have to let go and walk away forever...I will always remember him and he will always hold a special place in my heart...Just writing about this breaks me...
I will get through it I will use this time to focus on me and do what i got to do, I will get better...

A ton of Rocks...

I wish my blog wasnt blocked at work it would be easier for me to blog more often. It has been just about a month since i have blogged...wow!

Current mood: Sad but feeling Greatful of all my Blessings.
Song for today: Doin Just fine-Boyz II Men
Book: Smart Girls do Dumbbells-Trying to get my workout on eventually :)
Quote: "Family, It never goes out of style" Lyfe Jennings

So today is the 2nd day i wake up feeling the blues...Not really sure why...I ate a WHOLE Hershey's Almond Chocolate bare i have NEVER in my life done that, seriously i am not much of a chocolate person and when i do feel like eating some its just a bite...

Yesterday I convinced myself that i was a shopaholic, I even googled how to overcome it...But today I talked to my Bestie, and she convienced me that I am not, she said "you spend because you have it, otherwise you wouldnt shop" lol sooo true! But I am trying not to spend what i have...Its got to the point where if I feel sad I shop even if its just a shirt!

Today a "good friend" (so i thought) told me they could careless if they ever spoke to me again, and that hit me like a ton of rocks, I mean it was painful to here it from that friend...It was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever told me in my life. If it would have come from just anyone then fine whatever, but it came from someone i was very very close to...I guess i needed to hear that, the truth, reality, and I am now at peace with myself to keep it moving...

I am sooo homesick!

Lots of Love and Peace! ZEAL!

Days after..

So its been a couple of weeks since i have blogged and a lot has happened since then...

Current mood: Down-but wanting to cheer up...
Song for today: Better in time
Book-Eclipse-Book 3 of the twilight saga, I just finished New Moon, it was sooo sad well the first part was and i was goind through the same stuff i was reading...tear...

So after 5 days of going through some heart ache i guess my heart is slowly but surely trying to mend it self...I know it takes time...and there is nothing anyone can say to make me feel any better, i guess time is my only way out of this pain...it all happened so fast...i couldnt even defend myself i just let it be...my stomach still aches badly anytime we cross paths i feel like it puts me back to day one...i know i will get though this...i havent been able to sleep at all its so annoying i wake up entirely to much during the night...tears still come...i havent talked much about it so i guess this is my way to vent...neways thats enough venting i will get through it...Love and Peace

The Piece that don't fit...

Current mood: Full-Just had lunch with my sweet friend...
Song for the day: Three Times a Lady By: Lionell Richie-Dedicated to me by a special someone...
Book for now-Twilight-So i am finally reading the book, many have told me to read it since i am soo into the movie! The book is awesome so far so much more details! I plan to read all 4 of them...New moon comes out Nov 20th! Can't wait!

My days are still long I cant seem to sleep all through the night I wake up a lot! I miss my bed at home it is soo comfi!
Today I made some cold brew iced tea...I have been wanting some so bad and i finally got it today...well lets just say it didnt taste as great as i wanted it to i think i maybe needed to brew it a bit longer...one day i will be good with all this kitchen stuff i swear! LOL I think i am going to start lying to people when they ask me if i can cook...before i would say no with no 2nd thoughts about it now i kind of have to look down in shame when they ask and i say no...I guess people just assume i should know how to cook why? i am not sure...I do want to learn one day maybe...Val always tells me not to worry about it that i will learn one day lol she is always so positve with me...
THOUGHT FOR TODAY-"Am I the puzzle piece that don't fit?" Here is this perfect fitted puzzle and I feel like that one piece that doesnt seem to fit any where, no matter how you move it to try to make it fit, it just isnt going to happen...

Do you ever have dreams and dont remember them? I hate when that happens i never seem to remember my dreams....Errrr!

Last movie watched-Five Fingers, Excellent movie! The entire movie is in one spot but its a damn good movie! It has such a wierd twist at the end...i Love it! Check it out!

Love and Peace!

Heller...

So its been a while since I have posted...I just got back from vacation about a week ago! My vacation was great...Time seemed to fly by so fast...I learned a few lessons while home also...those will be for other blogs... So now I am back to the usual...still trying to get used to the time zone here although when I am home I never seem to get used to time there...My house is just beautiful...thanks to my Mama! I wanted to spend lots of time there...all the kids are so grown up...Neways my time home was cool...

Current mood-chill
Song for today: Just to be close to you-The Commodores...(A lil old school for tha soul) :)

So my job blocked my blog site which totally sux by the way! I am on it now thru some other website...but now I wont be able to blog as much! Well i can do it at night in my room. Lately the last thing i want to do after work is get on the computer...so we shall see...Neways just wanted to say hello, I will be on later to blog more! Lots of Love and Peace!